Midnight Musings

Here I am up a few minutes before midnight.  I'm usually not up this late, but I contribute it to an after dinner bottle of Diet Coke (which I rarely have caffine late in the day) and a head full of thoughts.  Every March rolls around, and I think a lot more about my big brother.  As of next week sometime, we mourn the 11th year that we lost him.  It never gets easier in March, but I hope to never forget him.  He was a good big brother, and I know that he would have been an awesome uncle.  I already tell Haley Uncle Ryan stories. 

This is my second year to not be in the states at this time, the first year being 5 years ago.  That year was especially hard on me.  I turned 20 that year.  Ryan did not make it to his 20th birthday, and it was very surreal to me to reach an older age than my big brother ever did reach.  This year also, seems somewhat overwhelming to me.  I am bombarded with learning Spanish, and very far away from my family. 

This time of year is always akward for me because I feel sad, but I don't express my saddness very well, and I feel like I must be a superhero when my family also is sad.  I don't really know how to just be sad with them.  I'm also not very good at receiving their comfort.  I wish I was better at that.

I don't really know if that many people that read my blog knew Ryan, but if you did your life would have been blessed and richly entertained.  His favorite thing in life was laughter.  He was always telling jokes and saying funny stories.  He was a good big brother.  I will always remember that the last thing I ever heard him say was I love you as he hugged me.  Most almost 20 year olds are probably annoyed by their bratty 14 year old sisters (as I know Ryan was too at times), but he always took the time to let me know he loved me.  Even when I was a band nerd, at Nathan's football games, he would walk right in the middle of the pep band and give me a hug.  Also, when I was in 7th grade and he was a senior in high school, he would let me sit with him and his friends when there were no more seats with the 7th graders.  Everyone says he was a good friend.  He would do anything for anyone and talk to anyone, even in the middle of the night.  He thought anything concerning poo and farts was hilarious.  One year at Christmas, he had an entire tape of Christmas parodies that were sung about these subjects to the tunes of well known Christmas songs.  I know that is gross, but it was part of who he was.  He even bought a key chain that looked like poo and took the metal ring off.  He would put it in the floor of the house or a school class room to make people think someone/something had gone in the floor.  He was suprisingly good with kids.  Small children saw him and saw a jungle gym to climb on.  He was always both gentle and patient with them.

Ryan was far from perfect, but he loved life so much.  For years I was very angry with God for taking my big brother from me.  It still sadens me.  I also realize that there is no time in heaven and he hasn't even had time to miss me yet.  When I get there, it will be like I was separated from him for only seconds in the day.  While sometimes I am saddened by this great loss to humanity, I love to remember my big brother.